Tattling

We were reading a book the other day about how to be a good friend. Advice ranged from you need to share to be a good friend to you need to be kind to make people want to be your friend. Tucked into the otherwise sound wisdom on friendship was “don’t tattle.” My kids looked at me quizzically and said, “What’s tattling?”

Apparently it’s time for this tattling discussion because in the same month I have heard it used repeatedly from other people – kids and adults. Most of the people who use the word are those who are, like me, trying to figure out the line between tattling and reporting a problem. Most of those whose kids know about tattling are in school.

The cynical side of me might say, well, if I were a teacher with 30 kindergarteners to manage, I would want a moment’s peace as well, so I would come up with this tattling thing to get them to leave me alone for a minute to think how I will keep them from burning the place down. Fortunately, I know enough teachers to know that there is no government conspiracy to try to quiet down kids.

Still, the tattling thing is consistent with the old “seen but not heard” cultural value around children. While it’s true that they are a lot cuter before they open their mouths to whine or complain, it’s also true that sometimes kids are coming to complain about something that is really important. And if we tell them not to come to us, aren’t we teaching them to shut us out? And then will we find ourselves wondering why they don’t want to tell us about the teenage troubles? This is all not to mention the scary stuff that predators do to kids to convince them to keep dangerous secrets by leveraging the “don’t tattle” rhetoric.

There is no guarantee that if you listen to the complaints of your six year old that you will have a kid who is willing to come to you and tell you about the drug dealer in his high school. However, if we tell our kids that we don’t want to hear their concerns, are we going to be left out later when we suddenly want to hear their concerns?

Regardless of my own desire to stay connected with my kids as they grow older, even during the inconvenient times when they are ultimately pretty safe but sometimes their concerns can be boring and/or annoying, we also have to navigate the social landscape where other kids are being told not to tattle.

Right now, I am going with the working definition that it’s always okay to tell an adult if you feel concerned about something, but that we don’t want to tell an adult about a problem just to make trouble for someone. And when I ask my kids if they are telling me because they are concerned, they generally say yes. Although, sometimes – and this is why I value open communication – they confess to just trying to make trouble.