I am feeling annoyed.

A woman who chairs a committee upon which I sit as a volunteer, called me today to ask me not to knit during meetings of the committee. She said that she feels concerned about the impression that I give others because they may believe that I am not paying attention. She said she could tell that I was indeed paying attention. But she thought that others might not be able to tell that I am paying attention.

She is older than I am, and in a socially conservative profession. She is also obviously not a knitter, because I was crocheting. So, I can understand that maybe she doesn’t understand my perspective.

My response to her was to thank her for bringing up an issue that concerned her. I also explained that I find sitting still and listening to be difficult, and that I am a more active and engaged listener when I am doing something with my hands. I advised her that most people around the room are surfing the internet or checking their emails during the meeting, and that I have no such temptation to actually be ignoring the meeting because my hands are too busy to trying to act sly by using the internet instead of listening at the meeting. I told her that knitting is more respectful, it seemed to me, than getting up and moving around the room, or than checking my email.

I did not tell her (and maybe I should have) that I have actually been thanked for bringing knitting along with me to seminars from astute seminar providers, who realize that I am listening and not checking email if my hands are otherwise engaged. The last seminar I attended had a room full of people with laptops. The speaker called out people who appeared to be following along with the course materials on their screens. He asked them to read an excerpt. Each time, it was clear they were not following along. They all declined to read. They were surfing the net. Every single time. Really. He thanked me for bringing along my knitting. Said he knew I was listening.

So, back to my conversation with this woman. She insisted that regardless of my true situation, I gave others the impression that I was not paying attention. I said, well, given my need to keep myself busy to actively listen, what do you suggest?

She said, “Sit still.” She went on to say, well I understand that you feel like this helps you listen, but it just doesn’t look good. Ah, the appearance of things is more important than the reality.

So, I thanked her for letting me know about her concern. I was not overly enthusiastic, and I probably could have been warmer about it. I really do appreciate her telling me how she feels. But I am feeling so annoyed.

I get that she felt concerned. And I don’t want to upset her. But it seems that she is fine upsetting me. And that annoys me. I find myself more and more wanting to find solutions to problems that include understanding and compromise. I would much rather agree to disagree than be told that I need to sit still. For goodness sakes.

Unfortunately, my desire for understanding and compromise, where we all speak our minds and still find solutions that can work for everyone, tends to get me into trouble. I have had a few conflicts that I think come from this desire of mine (perhaps not artfully executed, I will admit) lately and they are all piling up and becoming a little more painful.

Let's also be clear. This profession that this woman is in does not necessarily value understanding and compromise. So, it's fair to say that it's probably not something she gets to do as often as I do in my role homeschooling three children.

I think that when I was willing to just not speak my mind, it was easier. When I did what I was told without feeling annoyed, it was easier. Wait a minute. When was that? Did I ever do that? Well, a lot more than I do lately.

I also think that if it was a man doing what I was doing, she would not have said anything. But that is perhaps my own issues speaking to the situation. Finally, I wonder why she thinks that only she can tell that I am paying attention. Does she think she can see that I am paying attention and assume that the rest of the room is full of dolts who don't know better? Okay, that's not very generous. But, I still wonder why if she can see that I am paying attention, she worries that others won't.

So, now, what to do about this situation? Not bring any yarn to meetings because I know it will offend this woman? Bring the yarn and see what the consequences will be? Quit the committee (because I am having other issues with it anyway) even though it would be before the end of my commitment, and it is a professional committee that could someday be meaningful if I ever need to go back to work and earn some real money? Bring it up on the agenda, and explain so everyone can understand that I am using yarn as a listening tool and agree to put the yarn down when guests are in the room? I really like the latter idea, but I suspect it will irk said Chair. What to do? What to do?