Aspirations

By the time I was in second grade, I had things figured out. Being an animal lover, I would dedicate my life to the care of animals. I would become a veterinarian. Always a researcher, I checked out books from the library about veterinary work. And then my dreams were shattered.

The books showed many photos of vets helping sick animals and providing routine healthcare – which included shots. A vet not only gives animals vaccinations, but shots of medicines for ailments, I learned. I also learned that a vet might heal an animal through surgery rather than just lots of hugs and a warm lap, as I envisioned myself doing it.

Being completely against anything piercing flesh in any way – even furry flesh – even to heal and help – I was unable to continue with my life’s ambition. Never again did I feel so inspired on a career path. Must have been why I ended up being a lawyer. Lack of inspiration.

Still, I remember my passion for animals and feel some of it even today when my passions outside of raising my family have muted to dull in so many respects. And because I remember my passion, I understand my daughter’s growing passion.
“Mommy,” 4 year-old G leans in close to me and looks at me with the most sincere brown eyes you have ever seen, “I want to have a horse when I am growed up.”

I agree that of course that’s totally her choice and I support her in it.

“And really,” she leans so close that wisps of our matching hair touch, “I want a horse when I am still a kid. A real horse. Just a small one, like a pony. Maybe when I am much older, like seven or eight. I will take care of it all by myself. Well, maybe I’ll need your help a little. We’ll keep it in the front yard.”

Her solemn voice and earnest eyes tell me that this not the last conversation we will have over this issue. I do mention that our postage stamp yard is not big enough for a horse. She insists that it’s fine for a very small horse – a pony. I tell her that I understand how important this is for her now, and that we can wait and discuss it when she is older. She says okay. But I know her. Her okay means, okay, when I get older, we will talk about how and when I will get my horse. This is not an, okay, we will talk about IF I get a horse.

In June, her big sister received a tea set for her birthday and G wanted it in the worst way. Of course, big sister didn’t want to share the new gift mostly because middle sister wanted it so much. G asked my mom, the giver of the gift, if she would get her the same thing for her October birthday. Yes, grandma agreed. Then not another word about it. Well, come early October, G says she is very excited that she will be getting a new tea set. Both grandma and I had completely forgotten about the exchange, assuming she would as well. But behind those huge brown eyes, there is a vault containing important information, especially information about “those things that are coveted most.”

So, I know that the horse is not forgotten. And it does come up again and again. It’s not the pleading I want a pony that you read about in kids’ books. It’s more like, I am looking forward to a time when I have my pony because I want it so much that it must be coming to me.

I remember having a fleeting desire for a pony when I was a kid. But I knew that it was so far beyond the realm of possibility, I didn’t even waste my daydreams on it. I am not sure whether to be glad or worried that my daughter has the belief that she can make her passions come alive. Probably a little bit of both.