In Defense of Career Mothers

I am in the awkward position of feeling defensive on behalf of someone I really don't like. While I am a strong supporter of the democratic party, and I believe that the Presidency must go to Obama if we are to have a happy future, I find myself feeling irritated about the media coverage of Sarah Palin.

Yes, I think her a hypocrite (who does not support women's reprodutive choice or medically accurate sex ed, but who has a teenage daughter who is pregnant and who made the choice to keep her baby). Yes, I think her a conservative menace. But I am so disappointed to hear so many people questioning her ability to do the job of Vice President based on the fact that she is the mother of small children. And I have argued with some of my best friends (who I both love and respect) about it.

I think that for those of us who both (1) make the choice and (2) have the privilege of staying home with children, it’s easy to ask the questions about Palin’s ability to juggle her career and her children because we live a life where we can’t really imagine taking on the awesome responsibility that Palin seeks to take on without somehow screwing up our lives and the lives of our families. But the fact is that there are oodles of woman out there with powerful professional careers and small children. They use their resources and communities to care for their children, either with nannies or extended families. There are just as many women who have no choice but to work hard – two or more jobs – to support their families and they use professional childcare or extended family in the same fashion. I do not question their choices or obligations to their careers. These are their choices and/or burdens to bear.

I do wish that every woman (and man) with children at home had the ability to choose whether to have a professional career or not. And that's one reason I support women in positions of power. I think that women who have lived through the often difficult balancing act that happens with motherhood and career are more likely to create policies that support families. And that is change I support.

But to ask the question of a woman who is up for any job of this nature, we are already questioning whether she can do the job because of her gender. And that is something I cannot support. There is no reason to assume that Palin cannot use the same resources that other parents use to care for children (i.e., another respected family member or professional childcare provider).

One dear friend shared the comment that it devalues what we do as mothers to not ask how Palin will juggle mothering and national politics. But I don’t think that it devalues anything I do to assume that she can hire someone to do the same for her own kids.

By way of comparison, as a homeschooling parent, I don’t feel devalued when people send their kids to school. I love the choices I make, and I feel privileged to make them. I don’t believe that everyone should make my choices and I don’t begrudge others who turn the care of their children (educationally or otherwise) to paid professionals. I fully support those parents in making those choices because I trust that they know their families best and themselves best. I trust that they will make the decisions that are best under the totality of the circumstances.

Yes, there is a biological connection that women have with their children that makes a nanny or other care provider a different ball of wax. However, there are plenty of mothers who do not feel the biological pull of that connection very deeply and feel the pull of their careers more deeply. If they were home carting kids around all day, they would not only be unhappy but would most likely not serve their kids as well as a nanny who loves the job. Just as a multitude of women do not find it a joy to sit down and give a reading lesson to a 5 year-old, there are many who do not have any interest in breastfeeding, diapering, dirty fingers all over their clothes, and Raffi recordings.

I often find myself feeling differently than I think most of my “stay at home” peers feel because I feel like I am letting my kids down sometimes by not having a more prominent career, for which I am trained. I worry about the example that I set by having a law degree, a license to practice, a really good track record as a lawyer, and abandoning it because I couldn’t manage both it and parenting as well as I wanted to. I say, “Rock on!” to those women who do maintain their professional careers and raise children. I say the same to women (and men) who put careers aside or on hold to care for families.

Still, I deeply respect those who lead the way for my daughters to be able to do whatever their hearts desire when they are adults. And I wring my hands continually about the fact that I am not one of those women leading the way, despite my qualifications to do so.

I simply believe that until we ask men the same question as a matter of course - how will you balance career and family? - it makes me angry when we ask it of women. It devalues father’s roles in their children’s lives to assume that a mother at home with the kids is sufficient to balance out an absent father. And it devalues the professional accomplishments and professional talents of women to assume that they will not be able to meet the obligations of their jobs because they have children.

Women ought to be able to choose so many things for which their choices are limited, and one of those is whether or not they can handle a powerful professional position.

Since Palin does not support a woman’s right to choose, I don’t support her. But I do despise the media coverage that questions her qualifications as a politician because she is a mother.